sandy's general musings

I am just about to lose it. I think all the stresses are finally getting to me. I am practically a single parent and I resent it so much. Felix is still not 100%. Over the weekend, he was functional for about 1/2 a day. Now imagine that he is working this week. He comes home from work and is non functioning. He leaves before me and the kids get up and ready for school. So I am doing all the parenting. I really resent this. I know he is not purposely being this way, but I am angry about it. I want a healthy husband. I am also very upset that he did not go to his boss and ask for a while to be on a later schedule that would help him recover and help me in the mornings. Mentally I am checking out. I am getting myself to act as if I am a single parent. If I was the unhealthy one, I know I would work through it to do as much as I could.

Then there is the birthday party. It seems that many kids in Jack's class were invited to a birthday party, but Jack was left out. This doesnt seem right in kindergarten to leave a kid out. I have no idea what would cause a parent to do this. Does she hate me? Does her kid really hate my kid? Her kid came to Jack's party. I cannot find an explaination for this. I dont want to ask the parent, as she will probably then feel like she has to now invite him. I just wish I knew why. Jack has to hear the other kids talk about the party. The only other thing I could think of is the invite got lost in the mail. Then I look foolish not RSVP'ing. Either way i lose. I dont know why, but this grately upsets me.

I need to snap out of this.

Alyssa attended 2 birthday parties. Both were similar. They had aDJ in a large room. One was at a clubhouse and the DJ did mostly radio disney stuff, and they had some prizes for dance contest, etc. Alyssa was closer to this girl. The 2nd party was a chinese buffet restaurant in a room by itself. It was someone from her class. It had more hiphopish music, but also did the stuff the kids like (high school musical, cheetah girls, et al). This one had a bubble machine, hula hoops, and more prizes. Alyssa said she liked the 2nd one better, which surprised me in some sense. In both parties I did not find her very social. Her old best friend and other kids she had known from preschool were at the 1st party, but she barely talked to them. She only really socialized with the birthday girl. The 2nd party, she just sorta did her thing, not really socializing, per say.
Now for the mommy social thing. At the 1st party, there are 2 moms there that now hate each other. We used to have a dinner group when the kids were all the same pre-K that met with our kids every week. A fallout occured and at the time basically one of the women was then no longer part of the group since she was not part of the original group to begin with. The girl who had the party is still friends with both the kids. The one that no longer did the dinner group is in the same public school, while the other is not, but the moms are still very tight. I am no longer friends with mom that stayed in the group since in the end I found her too judgemental on everyone. She even got mad at me for various things. I could not keep walking on egg shells and Alyssa and her daughter sorta lost interest in remaining friends. Now the woman that was shunned is not someone that I loved, but she is ok. I would never become close with her, but I dont see why we cant talk. Long story short, at the beginning of the party, mom A (the one who was shunned) showed up first, so we talked a bunch. Then mom B showed up. She remained far away from mom A and was talking to another person that was part of our dinner group (the only one with a boy:) ). I had not seen her in a while, so eventually I went to talk to her and mom B. We even left briefly to get something from starbucks (it was ok, as parents did not have to stay).
So I talked to both mom A and mom B. I dont like this whole thing to begin with. Mom B should just "let it go" at this point. I do sometimes miss our big group dinners. Note that the birthday girl and her mom are both friends with all of us. I talk to her frequently. To be honest I do wish Alyssa ended up as social as her daughter. They have known each other since they were 2. I am glad her daughter and Alyssa do get along so well still. When she grows up she is definately going to be one of the nice popular girls. I wanted one of those, but I know that I did not get it , and have to just "get over it"

Onto Alyssa and her behavior. It has improved soooo much. She has matured a bunch. We both know that she needs a timeout to calm down if she gets into one of her explosions. But beyond that she has become more cooperative. She is fun to do things with . A great shopping companion. This is what I guess I dreamed having a daughter would be like. One other change I have made is that I really try to compliment her when she is doing good things. The phsyiatrist did help me in getting along with my daughter. She is also now sleeping through the night as well. I am not sure which brought which. Did us getting along better bring on the sleep, or did the sleep bring on the better behavior? She was behaving better first though.

Felix is back at work. When he is "sick" strange things happen within myself. I develop an almost love/hate relationship with him. The hate I think comes from the fact that I resent so much how he has had so many health problems. Then there is the love, i.e. that I love him and want to take care of him (which he despises, which feeds into the hate). I always want to be intimate with him right after he has had surgery, or some other crisis . No, not right afterwards, but when he is up for it. My brain is really driving me crazy :)

Now back to my regularly schedule mommy stuff...

I did not have paretn teacher conference for Jack , as his teacher did not want to accomodate the fact that I work. I cannot come in at 10am for a conference. She did this with all the moms; I dont know how many actually got to change their appt. She sent me email instead since I do see her from time to time after school anyway. The thing that stand out is not so much his behavioral issues, but that he is "doing exceptionally well in academics". He is in the top reading group with 3 others. He knows all his math skills. I really do think he is bored at schoool sometimes. I always thought of Alyssa as my bright one, but Jack is probably more book smart. His speech and skewed reality at times is probably what makes me think otherwise.

Alyssa is doing pretty good at school. With her being ADD its a stuggle at times to get her to do work to her potential though. I will not medicate her at this point. Her classroom last year, being as noisy as it was, turned out to be a bad thing for her. She daydreamed a bunch and had a hard time finishing all her work. Now I definately know why. This year she is doing much better in teh classroom. .She likes her desk in the front corner. The biggest obstacle for us is homework Mostly when it doesnt come easy to her. She gets frustrated rather than letting me explain things.

Well back to work here. just got summoned.

I posted this in my Oct list, but it had paragraphs and spaces. I am too tired right now to fix. Maybe later.


My couch potato husband has been having really bad sinus issues,making his coachpotatoitis much worse. Finally he decided to havethe surgery to have his sinus's opened up. This was yesterday. Hehad to be at the hospital (no outpatient center due to his heartcondition) at 7:30, so for the 1st time this year the kids got onthe bus at 7am.Everything was fine and his surgery was set for 9am. The Dr said itwould take about 2 hours, so I figured we would be home around 1ishafter he woke up (takes about an hour NORMALLY). So I did stop bythe office and was back in the hospital around 11. A coworker of mine was there as his wife was having back surgery at the same timeand same place. (what a coincidence).

The Dr called me around11:45 and said that all was well and gave me the perscription.Around 1:00 I still had not been called to see him. REcovery is abig room and due to HIPPA laws you are not allowed to be with yourSO when they are in recovery until they are ready to go home and putin a room to get dressed. I personally think this sucks, but thatis how it works and I can understand it.So at 1:00 they say he still waking up. Maybe another 1/2 hour. SoI wait 45 more minutes and then ask what is going on and then theytell me at least another hour. I am "waht is up with that" and I amgetting upset. I thought we would be home by now, and Alyssa hasa very important appt of her own at 4:00 to discuss her ADHD thatrecently got diagnosed. They finally send a nurse down to say thatthey are having a hard time waking him up and he is on oxygen. Sonow I now that it will be at a MINIMUM 3:00. I cant bring him homeso I call his "sister" (not biological, but his best friend for 20+years). She was orginally going to hang out with him and my son atthe house while I was with Alyssa. More on her in the nextparagraph. What a ^%*(^$*^( she is. She is now going to bring himhome when he is ready. There is also the though they might keep himovernight. I got a message to him about this change and he was coolwith it (exact words relayed back to me). he was awake enough to respond, just not getting enuf oxygen. I leave at 2:30 and get thekids.

Ok, now back to the bitch. When we first talked earlier in the day,I was giving her directions on where to get Jack. She is very bad with directions. I said that I would probably be there to getAlyssa and would let her know where she was to go at that time dueto the weather (outside or not). She asked why I was not getting both kids to begin with (huh, my husband did not fill her in verywell) and I said a dr's appt. She said what type , and I saidphysiatrist. She then proceeded to tell me that my daughters problems were all due to the fact that I tend to yell at my kids .This from a women who actively decided never to have her own kids!That my daughter is fine, and its all my fault. I hung up on her.The audacity of her!!! I had to call her back later to have changethe plans to get my husband.Anyway, we are the dr's and she calls me on the cell. Can I pick upgatoraide on my way home. Can she leave the house and get it sinceI have the kids and I dont know when I am coming home due totraffic. no, my husband cannot be left alone. Ok. Now Alyssaoriginally had gymnastics, but she doesnt have to go. So I call herback and ask her if she can take the kids to dinner when I get homeso that I can see my husband. No, she cannnot. Her husband justgot back in town and asked her to dinner. I was like, wait, ifAlyssa has gymnastics orginally who was staying with Felix? So I amreally mad right now. So plan B, i get home drop off the gatoraide,and get Alyssa's leotard. I picked up chicken for the kids as welland they were eating in the car. Felix was up and about so Ifigured he was now ok be home. When I walked in the door, I wastold to "please feed the cats". Like she couldnt have done that! Soshe decided to stay and have her husband bring dinner. Ok, Whatever.So I ask "can Jack now stay home so I dont have to drag him withme". She says "I prefer you didnt". I did not want to upset myhusband so I bit my tongue and walked right back out. Aftergymnastics we all get home and she left with her husband (its 7:30now) and she mentions on the way out that the litter box stinks andneeds scooping. Well B%%%% couldnt you have done it then? Anyway Ithrew something after she walked out and made a comment about herbeing such a B%%%%. I honestly did not want to upset Felix but I wasseething.The good news is that Felix is really nasty when he is not feelinggood. When she first brought him home, he was nasty to her and Imissed it all. he was nice to me last night. of course he couldntsleep all night. He is feeling ok though aka, the pain, and not toomuch congestion. I did tell him what she said and he said he wouldtalk to her. The other thign is that my kids adore her, so Icannot take that away from them. I now consider her my bad motherin law.

Oh and lets not forget that after I put the kids to bed last night Ihad to straighten the house for the cleaners today, get the kidsstuff ready for school, etc etc. I did make it to watch grey'sanatomy but woke up at 2am until 5am not able to sleep. should havetaken soemthign myself.ok, glad I got that off my chest. Meanwhile I found out that theyused a different anesthesia on my husband that could have the sideaffect of a very slow wake up. So now we know. my friend's husbandis an anesthesiologist so he explained stuff to me.

Extreme makeover home edition is here. It is about 45 minutes away. Alyssa loves this show. So we went up on Sat. Turns on that the build is on a mountain rd and they will not allow children under 18 up there unless they are VIP. So if you are the builder's kid, a friend of the family, donate money, etc then you are more than welcome. Alyssa was very disappointed but we did end up with a T-shirt that someone was nice enuf to give to her, even though they were not suppose to. I also found out the reveal will be "closed" as well. I then went back to try to volunteer for the experience, but when I showed up they did not need any volunteers. Watching the show sunday night I viewed it from a different perspective. I found out other facts as well, which is why "reality TV" is not "reality TV". The designers dont design the rooms. Especially Ty and his "secret room, from what I understand. Its still a feel good show though

Last night Alyssa had a meltdown.. it started about dinner , but ended up how she has no friends in schoool. I really do try to help. Its hard that I had issues as well, and still, to this day, have issues (different than hers). Felix , now that I know him better , is not the social person I once thought he was. He couldnt care less though. Alyssa does. So the gene pool is not being kind to her in this regard. One thing is that when she has made friends she has driver them away with her anger/meltdown issues, or her inflexibility. She wants things her way and lets people know when she is not happy. Not a good way to make friends. I try to explain this to her. Then she is also picky about whom she wants as a friend. I did point out that she was invited over to someone's house and she said "I am their friend, but they are not my friend". Then she talks about how kids are being "mean to her", but cannot give examples, and mentions how it happened 3 months ago. I did give her one piece of advice. When they are outside at recess go find someone else that is "by themselves" and approach them. She cannot be the only one. She says she is... but..... Last night I also gave examples of other kids she has previously been friendly with, but she has no interest in being friends with them. So she is complaining , sad, but doesnt seem to do what is needed to fix it. I think we might have to work on being happy with how things are; might be a better route. She did see all her friends that she has from outside of school this week. (3 of them).
And lets not go down the path of the sleep issues. Its worse than a newborn. Its funny how when its a sat night or over break, how some nights she did sleep thru. So far no solutions on this one except meds, if I wanted to go that path.

Then there is Jack, who bucks authority. I need to get stricter with him. I tend to let him get away with stuff because at home he is so easy going.

not exactly a happy day for the levitt family.

First I caught Alyssa's cold. then my tummy was bothering me, then I got my cycle, and then I got one of my typical migraines. Yesterday I finally started to feel a bit better. I am also tired as we have those sleep issues in our house. Alyssa is still having issues, and they are nightly when there is a school day. I dont think its the stress of school, but rather maybe the thought that she HAS to get up in the morning? maybe doing an alarm would help.

Next thursday felix is having his sinuses done. I am torn between taking the kids to the bus early, taking him, and being there, or letting his friend take him, and saving my time off . Its not major surgery, so I am not sure what to do. I should be the wife and do the right thing, but he is very nasty when he has anything done. Dont know how well I want to deal with that.

Webkinz has been a wonderful thing for Alyssa. Yes, she spends lots of time on the computer, but she is learning to get around it better. Also it makes for a social "ice breaker" when she meets new people. If they have webkinz they have something to talk about. Meanwhile on the gamecube, on the super monkey ball game, I finally got level 8 one time! (yes i play these games with my kids!). I cant believe how excited I got. The good news is that I dont like playing it for a long time. My favorite is sea haven towers. Its sorta like freecell.

Alyssa has also had bouts of self control lately. She has not lost it as much as I know she can do.
I hope that as she is getting older she is gaining that self control. this sat we are going to get her IQ tested and some testing for ADD. Even if she is ADD, I doubt we will do much with that, as it is not a bad case of it.
One thing Alyssa said the other day is that she no longer wanted to be friends with this girl that she was starting to become friends with because that girl is mean to other people. I thought that was very mature to think that way. On the other hand I dont want her making that girl angry at her, so that she will then be the one that she is mean to. I do wish Alyssa made friends and had more of them, but I guess knowing which friends to have is a better thing.

I know I should have posted more often during my trip. I sometimes wonder how many people actually even read this and wait for me to post something new. I had to be careful on whom I told about this blog, as if I write about certain people I dont want them to get offended or know that I had written about them. This is suppose to be theraputic for me.

Anyway, I really dont feel like the detail of the rest of the trip but will do my best. Anyway, Alyssa ended playing with the girls I mentioned previously. We went to their place on New years Eve. The dad had mentioned that his daughter had invited some other people, so we thought that there would be other kids as well, but we were the only ways to "take them up on their offer" . The dad did have a girlfriend. Anyway, we left around 11 and went back tot my parents place. We were going to go down to the beach where all the fireworks were going on, but never made it. The kids lasted until 11:30 though. I felt very awkward hanging out with people I dont know very well when we were the only ones. I know what it is like. We invited a bunch of kids to the media room to watch a movie and noone showed up. The worse part was that the building got mixed up and messed up our media room reservation and that caused a big problem with myself and my mom. I wanted to "fight it" since we had it first, but she lives there and wanted to just give our time to the other person. We ended up with it much earlier than we wanted and felix did not get to watch everything he wanted. That was the main reason why I tried to fight it; it was my fault that I added a kids movie to his time.

The weather for the rest of the trip was great. Still in the 80's and only one afternoon of rain (the 2nd). Felix and I went shopping ot this big wine store, which he loved. I dont know if I said this before, but I just LOVE my navigation system. It has names of places in it, such as restaurants, shops, etc. I can put in "old Navy" for example and it will find all the old navy's nearby. In Orlando it found my favorite chinese restaurant, Ming Court. I told Felix many years ago how great this place was and one of the best chinese. He did not believe me, but this trip we went to eat there. He cannot believe I was right. I also loved their boxed children's meals. They had these big goldfish that you can feed. when you give them food they fight for it. Its really entertaining. oops. I jumped ahead. Anyway, on wed the 3rd we left for orlando. We got there fine. Kids just used the hotel pool and we went to dinner. around 6:30 a downpour occured. oh, after dinner we went to downtown Disney to the Lego store. It was crazy crowded. This was our first indication that Disney was more crowded that last year.

Thursday we went to Animal Kingdom. It was packed on opening. There was even a 20 minute line for fast passes. Alyssa agreed to try the Everest ride, which is a new roller coaster. She did not like the Dinosaur ride though. that one was pretty dark and scary. Jack refused to go on it. She did the roller coaster with her eyes closed. Anyway, since I had a cold still the rest of the family was going to do the rapids ride, but it broke right when they were in line. We ate lunch and went over around 3ish to MGM. Jack and Felix saw stunt show while alyssa and I did the backlot tour thingie. Alyssa did not want to do stuntshow. Felix and Jack also did Star wars. We tried to get into the 6:30 fantasmics but it was standin room only. We ended up at the 8pm show and got 3rd, you might get misty wet, row. The kids crashed in the car. and here is the best news: NO STROLLER the entire day!.
Other musings: The kids were never "excited" about disney. I guess that disappointed me, but since they have gone once a year, I can probably understand. We have 2 days left on our tickets.
When entering Animal Kingdom we ran into people we knew from our synagogue. that was amazing to run into someone you know that lives nearby. I knew other people who were going to be at Disney, but did not run into them.

On friday I had stomach problems. we had to drive back, so I did my best. I took lots of pepto. It was probably from all the junk we ate. SOMETHING that bothers me: FElix is such a food snob at times, I would be happy with small snacks and meals, and so would the kids, but he has to eat at a real restaurant. I dont know now "not to clean my plate" so I gain weight when we do so.
The kids did mini golf and a small amusement park away from the parks. It was cloudy that day, but still warm. I did some outlet shopping. We left around 2ish to drive home. We hit that really bad rain storm right about when we got into GA. It lasted an hour or 2 into our drive.
Felix did a good job driving.

Sat it was gorgeous here in GA. So the weather shock was not that bad. Alyssa had skating and played with her friend that she had not seen in a while. They were so happy to see each other. Alyssa was rather well behaved this weekend and at times a pleasure to be around. Then last night, she had sleep issues again and this morning, getting up for a school was not a pleasant thing. I did put them to bed early . Sat night the sitter had them in bed by 9. We had a party that we went to. It was nice to do the adult thing, but by the time you pay the sitter... after spending so much $$$ on a vacation and then a sitter.... I feel like we are broke this month. I have to pay more $$$ for camp this week and also we need a plumber now as we dont have water coming into one of our toilets.

If you are still reading.... wow!