sandy's general musings

I broke down tonight, after a whole bunch of stress. the biggie being that Felix, did , infact, get the "package" at work. We knew this could happen, so at least he has a resume. But the reality of it is totally different. I really fear that if any of the things "in the works" does not happen that this is for the long haul. I know that he should be really stressed out about it all, but since I handle all our finances, plus the fact, that I HATE change (I should say unexpected change), its me more stressing. I remember the book called "who moved my Cheese?". Exactly the situations I dont like. I am the person who is already planning out next summer for goodness sakes!!!
Well today at baseball Jack totally melted down; i went to walk since gym time is no longer in the cards for me lately. maybe once a week. Yom Kippur did not help either. I come back he is not on the field, nor has he been since i left! He did not want the water they had there. It was not cold enough for him. All I wanted was a walk. I was very embarassed and embarassed myself more. my anger started to get the better of me. I should have just taken him home, but instead, I dragged him to the corneer of the outfield and kept working with him. Worked on his hitting. I also made it clear that pokemon cards were gone for a week. I also reprimended him in front of everyone. I looked like a nut job! I was not having him quit... He is not good and needs the practice. I guess deep down , even though its Jack, I FEEL the rejection and took it personally. I even asked the coach afterwards if maybe Jack should no longer play , period. He said Jack was welcome on Sat to play in the game. I plan on working with Jack the rest of hte week.
I was hoping Felix woudl do this, but at this point he is already not a good place. He wants his gym time, and other time, and gets upset that activities get in his way. For example, he wanted to go somewhere Thursday night to hear a speaker and Jack has cubscouts. I cannot take him since Alyssa has her 2nd therapist appt. Tomorrow I am letting him do whatever he wants, including lots of gym time. I do know that he is the one who got laid off. he also is the one that is finally getting into shape. But at the same time I have been overeating and I am at a weight that I am very UNHAPPY with. I want to go to the gym or walk, or whatever.

Well to continue, I did call FElix who had Alyssa. the Hebrew school teacher told FElix that she needs more practice and is not getting it. I dont get it. I did work with her on it a bit a few weeks ago and thought she was doing ok with her hebrew letters. Well it did not help that there was a sub for a couple weeks and that they had 2 weeks off afterwards.. Alyssa hates the fact that she has the same teacher for the 3rd year. Also that there are girls in the class that she dislikes. Felix doesnt know hebrew, so its all up to me. I felt tonight like both my kids "failed me" and started to cry. I know in this case its not completely their fault. Jack was having a bad day and i should have accepted that. I should have remained at practice and not been selfish to walk. I should have forced Alyssa to work harder at Hebrew. On top of everythign else, something else is bothering Alyssa from school today. She has not told me yet. I need to get it out of her. I can just tell. Its not the ITBS tests that they are taking. Its something else.

Other notes
Sunday Alyssa had her old BFF over. I took the girls to the mall. (and the park). When we got back the new neighbor boys came over. At one point I had 5 screaming kids running thru my house playing some type of tag game. I tried to get them to keep it outside. I am glad that alyssa got to see her though

Yom Kippur fasting was very hard on me. I just dont have what it takes anymore to fast all day. I woke up hungry and it never went away. I will say that Jack did a fabulous job of behaving in temple that day. I just wish that he would behave around others. I dont think he will ever have a playdate again with that one friend since he was not on "best behavior " that day. It makes me sad.

Well I should be in bed, but here I am up. I will pay for it in the am.