Friday, October 20, 2006
take away my mommy card...
Ok, I did the worse thing a mommy could ever do. In the heat of anger I said something that I did not mean. If I had been anywhere else but the car I would have walked away from the situation.
Wed night , Alyssa's homework was a nightmare. It took forever and she eventually conned her dad into helping her (writing the numbers down, but not adding them). That drained me. Then I picked her up from afterschool to take her to gymnastics. She was completely ignoring me when I asked her about papers and I started to get real angry. I need to know what she needs to keep and what can be thrown away. Then I asked about this one sheet and she said that it had to be done by friday. She had not done it. I started to try to explain it to her, aka what she needed to do, and she would have nothing to do with it and ran out of the room. We got the car and I was already starting to steam up. We argued about it, and then she was going to work on it, but she decided to was better to tear it up instead! That is is when I lost it. I started screaming at her, threatening to take everything away, and then I told her that I hated her at that moment. I SHOULD have said that I hated what she did. I stopped myself and apologized and explained to her that I did not mean it and that I said that in anger. AFter I yelled we were both calmer as well. We got the gymnastics place and we taped the work back together. I then came up with an appropriate punishment if she did nto do it. She went into gymnastics and did a great job on going around the bottom bar. She had never done that before. When she got out I told her I was proud of her. We talked some more. I wanted to let her know what I did was wrong. In the car, in the middle of traffic, I had no where to walk away. I tried to explain how important doing her homework is.
Then, of course, to quelsh my guilt, I am letting her have a friend spend the night. At one point while I was angry with her, I wanted to cancel a playdate that she on sat, with her old BF that she never sees. I told her I wanted to do that, but that it was more important to keep that playdate for various reasons, so I could not use that punishment. And the girl that is spending the night is someone else that she has not seen in a while.
Now that I am beyond all that..... guilt still there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!!!!! 6 years ago today I went to a nonstress test. I really wanted him born, since it was also a friday and I wanted the Bris on the weekend if possible. It was my due date anyway. Jack "failed" the nonstress test, and since one the doc's was already at the hospital with my neighbor who was due the same day, they told me to go in. I got in around noon, they checked me in around 1-2 broke my water, I walked around a bit, got some pitocin around 4-5 got my epidural, and then around 9:30 at night I started pushing. he was 9 1/2 lbs! Good thing I did not wait.
Today I did science day for kindergarten. I got the spacefood experiment. That was fun. plus I only had to talk 4 times. I had a "bye" time, with teh way the schedule worked. Jack was thrilled to have me there. I did Alyssa's the last 2 years. This year I am not doing 2nd grade and just kindy. Science day always exhausts me. AFter work I am going to try to stop at trader joes since they opened today. But I also need to run to costco. Busy day tomorrow.
I still feel guilty. I should have NEVER said that. I hope to never say it again. The anger from the last 2 days and dealing with the homework issues just built up.
Wed night , Alyssa's homework was a nightmare. It took forever and she eventually conned her dad into helping her (writing the numbers down, but not adding them). That drained me. Then I picked her up from afterschool to take her to gymnastics. She was completely ignoring me when I asked her about papers and I started to get real angry. I need to know what she needs to keep and what can be thrown away. Then I asked about this one sheet and she said that it had to be done by friday. She had not done it. I started to try to explain it to her, aka what she needed to do, and she would have nothing to do with it and ran out of the room. We got the car and I was already starting to steam up. We argued about it, and then she was going to work on it, but she decided to was better to tear it up instead! That is is when I lost it. I started screaming at her, threatening to take everything away, and then I told her that I hated her at that moment. I SHOULD have said that I hated what she did. I stopped myself and apologized and explained to her that I did not mean it and that I said that in anger. AFter I yelled we were both calmer as well. We got the gymnastics place and we taped the work back together. I then came up with an appropriate punishment if she did nto do it. She went into gymnastics and did a great job on going around the bottom bar. She had never done that before. When she got out I told her I was proud of her. We talked some more. I wanted to let her know what I did was wrong. In the car, in the middle of traffic, I had no where to walk away. I tried to explain how important doing her homework is.
Then, of course, to quelsh my guilt, I am letting her have a friend spend the night. At one point while I was angry with her, I wanted to cancel a playdate that she on sat, with her old BF that she never sees. I told her I wanted to do that, but that it was more important to keep that playdate for various reasons, so I could not use that punishment. And the girl that is spending the night is someone else that she has not seen in a while.
Now that I am beyond all that..... guilt still there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!!!!! 6 years ago today I went to a nonstress test. I really wanted him born, since it was also a friday and I wanted the Bris on the weekend if possible. It was my due date anyway. Jack "failed" the nonstress test, and since one the doc's was already at the hospital with my neighbor who was due the same day, they told me to go in. I got in around noon, they checked me in around 1-2 broke my water, I walked around a bit, got some pitocin around 4-5 got my epidural, and then around 9:30 at night I started pushing. he was 9 1/2 lbs! Good thing I did not wait.
Today I did science day for kindergarten. I got the spacefood experiment. That was fun. plus I only had to talk 4 times. I had a "bye" time, with teh way the schedule worked. Jack was thrilled to have me there. I did Alyssa's the last 2 years. This year I am not doing 2nd grade and just kindy. Science day always exhausts me. AFter work I am going to try to stop at trader joes since they opened today. But I also need to run to costco. Busy day tomorrow.
I still feel guilty. I should have NEVER said that. I hope to never say it again. The anger from the last 2 days and dealing with the homework issues just built up.
# posted by sandy @ 8:42 AM 
